Yes, Library Porn… Again

Well, a few months ago, I received notice that my local library was opening back up and would be offering curbside pickup. Score! I began excitedly placing requests in the online system, none of which were ever fulfilled. I finally tapped into the old folks' skill of picking up the damn phone. Despite a full... Continue Reading →

The Hiccup Imposter

For the last several years, I have been experiencing a strange and frequent hiccup-like sensation, wherein I involuntarily gasp and release a loud, squeaky squawk. Imagine the sounds of a hiccup reversed and them amplified. It sounds absolutely ridiculous. It's nearly impossible to convince those around me that I'm not faking the most embarrassing sound... Continue Reading →

The Costco Mask Fiasco

After six months of donning a P100 respirator, chemistry googles and nitrile gloves in public, my boyfriend recently mused as to why--of all the verbal assault we had heard about--none had been directed at the most cautious person around. Yesterday afternoon, I received a text stating "It finally happened" and I knew exactly what it... Continue Reading →

This Is Either Going to End in Marriage or Arson

This is the true story of Eric, a rather ordinary 40-year-old college professor who believes that mozzarella sticks constitute a balanced meal, women are more mysterious than the elusive giant squid and chain smoking over games of nightmare chess is the best way to spend an evening. Last night, Eric deviated from his normal routine. Rather... Continue Reading →

The Birthday Bidet

With my boyfriend's birthday fast-approaching, I've been begging him to just tell me what he wants.With each holiday, he insists that he doesn't need anything. I proceed to buy him something really fun or highly practical, and he always thanks me for my thoughtfulness as he insists that we don't need to be spending money... Continue Reading →

Death and Taxidermy

My boyfriend has joked that if I were to die, he would face his own demise within three weeks. Death from a broken heart, you ask? Nope, starvation. I've joked, that if he leaves this earth before me, I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he! Several years ago, he suggested that I would probably... Continue Reading →

Let’s Get You A Hare

The other day, my distracted mind mind was quickly drawn back into conversation when my boyfriend nonchalantly said, "let's get you a hare." After years of back-and-forth about the inhumanity of leaving an oversized mountain dog alone in a small house without a backyard for 10 hours a day, the possibility of him suffering through... Continue Reading →

Sammy The Saboteur

In spring 2015, I was diagnosed with valley fever and pneumonia. I was on bed rest for over a month, during which my boyfriend picked up the habit of scrunching up his forehead and saying, "I think you're losing it, dear." He would smile, kiss my forehead, and shush me as I rambled on about... Continue Reading →

Words Are Freaking Hard, Man

What do you call a perpetual state of brain fog? Because that's what I've been dealing with for several months (or the last four years, if you ask my boyfriend). It's a good thing that I have a sense of humor because the hubby has begun documenting my grammatical snafus on the vacated "Life Goals"... Continue Reading →

The Very Bad Man!

Imagine a five-foot-nothing Italian with a heavy accent, oversized nose, and enough stories to ensure you always circumnavigate away from his porch if you're in a rush. His goodbyes involve kisses on the checks and finger-wagging reminders that he expects to be invited to the (eventual) wedding. This is my dear, elderly neighbor, Nico. Four... Continue Reading →

But I Haven’t Proposed Yet!

My boyfriend is a bit of a smartass. Whether pranks (like the April Fool's Day he convinced his father that Costco was closing and my mother that we were expecting), puns (which his mother refers to as two-thirds of a pun--a "P U") or miscellaneous silliness (like caressing my hair with a creepy "little hand"... Continue Reading →

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