Foreign Object in Vagina (But It Was Meant To Be There!)

In 2015, I developed a lung infection. I hacked and wheezed for weeks as bacterial pneumonia and fungal cocci colonized both lungs. Intent on recovering, I ditched GMO-laded produce and cleaning agents with ingredients I couldn’t pronounce. In going au naturel, I also decided to switch from bleached cotton tampons to something that wouldn’t leach poison into my body.

I did my research and decided to try the Diva Cup, a squishy silicone tulip that your fold up and then shove into your nether regions. I reluctantly spent $30 dollars on the intimidating little device that could not possibly fit where it was meant to.

When the weekend rolled around, I practiced insertion. I tried and then took breaks. It just wasn’t happening. Until, finally, the little bloom burst to life in my vaginal canal. Nice!

The instructions told me to remove the device after 12 hours. The next morning, I grabbed the little stem and tugged. Nothing. I inched my fingers up to pinch the cup, but it wouldn’t budge.

I frantically searched the internet for help. The damn thing was stuck! What if I couldn’t get it out? What if I developed an infection? By the time my gynecologist’s office opened on Monday, I would have had a cup of blood sitting inside of me body for over 40 hours. Was I going to die?

I called in my boyfriend to help. He tugged, pinched, and then shrugged.

I read somewhere that I could sanitize a stainless steel spoon in boiling water and then, after cooling, use it to loosen the seal and pry the damn thing out. So, I shoved a spoon where it shouldn’t have been. I had my boyfriend do the same. Nothing happened. I was almost certainly going to die.

The panic intensified as I kept scouring the internet for help. My boyfriend was insistent that I would be fine until Monday, at which time I could make an same-day appointment with my gynecologist. No, no, no, no, no! I couldn’t wait that long.

After several hours spent trying to distract me, as my anxiety skyrocketed, my boyfriend huffed and asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room. I weighted whether the shame or fear was greater for just a moment before releasing an exasperated sigh. Yep. Uh huh. Yes siree! Let’s skedaddle.

When I explained the situation to the hospital intake staff, they didn’t know what a menstrual cup was. So my chart read: foreign object in vagina. Well, fuck. I guess that’s how it’s gonna be. I really wish that had at least noted that it wasn’t a can of hairspray, a broom handle, or a bunch of lemons. Instead, I’m viewed as one of those people. UGH.

The first doctor took a look. With blue latex and forceps, he tugged at the silicone stem. Another doctor came in, and then another, and then a fourth. They took turns trying to rip out the device that was supposed to make me feel like a happy hippy gal. Instead, I felt like an unloved lab rat.

Pried open and uncomfortable, I focused on my breathing. My boyfriend held my hand and made jokes about giving birth. “Just push, babe!” I wasn’t sure whether to kill him or thank him for lightening the mood.

After what felt like an eternity, I heard a pop. The suction had released. A dozen pieces of bloody silicone lay strewn across the forceps tray. $30 down the drain, plus another $300 for the hospital visit.

I laughed with relief as I sat up and thanked the medical team.

The first doctor looked at me, furrowed his brow, and said, “You really ought to be careful what you stick up there.” As if he had just extracted a light bulb, football or tub of cookie dough.

Shame, relief, and exasperation washed over me all at once. “It was meant to be there, doofus!”, I wanted to exclaim. But, of course, I didn’t.

But I also didn’t buy myself another menstrual cup after that traumatic experience. One “foreign object in vagina” in my medical records is more than enough for me!

41 thoughts on “Foreign Object in Vagina (But It Was Meant To Be There!)

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  1. Oh dear one…what an ordeal. Thanks for a true tale with a healthy dose of humor. As I read I recalled my issues with contact lenses in the past when they’d disappear and get stuck in the waaaay back of my upper lid. Your story is far more harrowing. 🤣😉🤣

    Liked by 3 people

    1. On no! I don’t wear contacts, but I recall my mom talking about her contact lens getting lost *somewhere* in there as a kid and being mortified! I was so embarrassed for so long that this is the first time I’ve share the story with anyone… but it’s funny. One more failed attempt to fix health hahaha!!🤣😂🤣

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Yes…mortifying. I knew it wasn’t possible, but I went straight to catastrophizing (like you) as I worried about implications…thinking the stupid contact lens might migrate to my brain. LOL! Thanks for the morning giggle! 🤣

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Hilarious…not the contact lens issues…but the fact that we might be the last two people on the planet who needed those gas perm lenses! Me, too! And because they were hard plastic…well, you know…I think they were more painful when they got ‘lost’, right? 🤣

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Definitely! Once I couldn’t find one lens in my case, I thought I had lost it. So, I put in a backup lens. That night I had pain, and discovered the missing lens was way back there!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I remember a female swim coach who was just out of college telling her high school swimmers to try the cup. I’m sure glad my daughter didn’t try it! Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well this was a post I didn’t expect to read this morning Erin! I love it though for the reality of life. I believe my daughters both use the menstrual cup and love it so yes, perhaps your comment on anatomy is correct. Even though this was a while ago it also might be great if medical professionals made sure they kept up on advances in women’s health and try not to be as judgey- foreign object indeed 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad was able to surprise you this morning, Deb! It’s always fun to stumble upon something unexpected. I think it was just my anatomy or bad luck because I know many women who have used the cup for years without issue. I’m sure “foreign object” was just fancy jargon for anything not originating from the body, but it was so humiliating at that time. I find it hilarious today, though!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. lol “foreign object ” as written on ur med chart wud be smthg you’d keep on chuckling oor years as a comical moment .
    you’ve written it in a funky style of comedy of errors !keep writing ♥🤪
    youre bf was supportive ,lol

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve heard of others using the cup and saying how great it is. I was never brave enough to try it out. Kudos to you for giving it a try! I’m sorry it wasn’t a better experience. But thanks for sharing and making me laugh today! 🤪

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you got a laugh out of it! Yes, I was so excited to try it, so the experience was not only traumatic, but also disappointing. Since my experience, any new products have come to market, including some designed for a low-set cervix. Maybe one day I’ll try again …ah, who am I kidding?! 🤪

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh wow, what an ordeal. And yea, I would’ve punched your bf for his joke and probably the doctor too. I wonder if these products are still on sale and if so, you should link to this post in their public reviews!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Funny and interesting read… thank you for sharing…i was thinking on the lines of using this given environment concerns n lots of ads..but one scroll through the net and i got to know what pain in vagina it can be n all that due to the suction created once inserted..i don’t know how others are able to use it…but i am not going to use it…may be like everything in this world “certain things work for certain people only”..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do think that work for a lot of women. Apparently the issue I had (low cervix) only impacts 10% of women, so I’m an anomaly. Also, since my experience, I think there are many more options available and resources on how to choose one that will be good for you. If you’re interested, please don’t let my story discourage you! Though, I completely understand the hesitation!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. If you ever want to try menstrual cups again, get the flex cup on amazon! not only is the stem longer, but pulling the step in the flex cup actually causes the cup to collapse and break the seal!!!! best menstrual cup i’ve ever owned, was literally able to take it out with long acrylic nails!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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