Four Generations in the Same Room

Over the weekend, my parents went out to dinner with my grandmother, all her kids, and the spouses to celebrate an upcoming birthday. During dinner, my 91-year-old grandmother lamented that none of her grandchildren have gotten married or had children yet. We range from ages 18 to 34 and, since my cousin passed from cancer at age 30, I’m now the eldest of the bunch.

Of the nine grandchildren, four are in long-term relationships. To each of her children, she asked, “When is so-and-so going to get married?”

Though I’ve been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we would love to get married, we can’t. He’s disabled and vocational rehabilitation is willing to pay for his education. Were we to marry, that $200,000 burden would fall on me. We can’t afford for him to start his career at age 48 with student debt and no retirement. As for kids, extended mold exposure can cause infertility, so it may or may not be in the cards for us, even with support from my parents.

My younger sister, age 28, has been with her boyfriend for about four years. They’re both social butterflies, attending several weddings per year, but I have no idea if they have any intention of tying the knot themselves. They’ve made it clear that they don’t want kids.

My cousin, age, 33, has been with his girlfriend for about two years and they’re talking about a courthouse wedding or elopement. My cousin is in the special forces and being deployed overseas again. Circumstances aren’t optimal for a big wedding or babies.

Another cousin, age 31, has been with his girlfriend for about two years. She desperately wants to be married, but he has made it clear that he will never propose. His parents had a rocky relationship, which was unhealthy for their four boys. Marriage, in his eyes, is a death trap. Children are the nail in the coffin. He’s jaded, and won’t be tied down. His three younger brothers all feel the same way.

We all have our reasons. None, really, are negotiable.

My heart aches for my grandma. She wants so badly to meet the next generation. Yet, there is a very real chance there may not be a next generation. Whether due to fertility, financials, or cynicism, marriage and children are not givens in the way that they once were.

I recently read an article that claims that over half of married women have a ‘backup husband’ in mind. While I don’t know the demographics of those taking the survey, I have several acquaintances who were going through marriage counseling when, one day. their wife moved in with the new boyfriend, filed for divorce, and claimed the kids and alimony. That is to say, I don’t blame men for being hesitant to marry. In divorce proceedings, the women nearly always wins. And that’s after navigating a relationship with one foot in and one foot out. The idea of commitment has been replaced by the notion of keeping one’s options open. I don’t think any relationship can survive that.

I hope that my grandmother is around long enough to see my boyfriend and I start a family–if all goes well, in 2 to 4 years–and get married–in 5-6 years. If not us, a sibling or cousin. I hope she gets to experience four generations in the same room. As the matriarch of the family, I hope that she can have the confidence that the family line will go on, even if it’s just one or two small streams deviating from the racing rapids.