A Fool’s Errand, Accomplished

Several years, my boyfriend and I asked my mother an innocent, hypothetical question: “Would you prefer we get married but not have kids, or have kids without being married?” My mom began sobbing uncontrollably.

My dad kept repeating, “It’s okay, dear. It was just a hypothetical.” But it wasn’t okay.

My mom was born and raised Catholic. Prior to her conception, there has been several miscarriages, so my grandmother prayed daily for a child “with a good constitution”. My mom was considered her parent’s miracle baby, and she has thus felt a lifelong obligation to her faith.

In the Catholic church, marriage comes first. Without a wedding, there should be no children. To violate that is to live in sin.

My boyfriend and I would love to be married and start a family, but our hands are tied due to disability marriage penalties. Our state’s Vocational Rehabilitation program has agreed to pay for his schooling and, by delaying marriage, he will able to finally start his career in his late-40s with no student debt. Were we to marry now, we would not be able to ever afford kids. We we to wait until he was out of school, we may be past the window of fertility.

For months, we’ve been wanting to breach the question again with my mom: “If we were to start a family before getting married, would we have your support?” It’s been impossible for me to ask, as I don’t want to make my mom cry and I’ve been worried that her answer may leave me in tears.

So, my ever-brilliant boyfriend had an idea. Let’s ask on April Fool’s Day so that we can claim it to be a cruel joke if things don’t go well. So smart!! I can blame him, the prankster, if things go south.

So, we both laid foundation, I completely chickened out, and my boyfriend asked the question.

Much to my surprise, my mom responded, “You have our blessing”, before he even finished asking the question. “Babysitting?! Whatever you need, you know we’ll help you.” My dad chimed in that maybe he can even retire early to help out. No only were they accepting, but they were enthusiastic. They emphasized that they still have our childhood books sitting on shelves, patiently waiting for a new reader to arrive.

I’m still in shock. I was expecting tears, broken hearts, and hashing out solutions that just aren’t feasible. Instead, there was immense joy. So. Much. Joy.

My boyfriend claims to have sensed it would go well. My younger brother has never dated and my younger sister has made it abundantly clear she never wants kids. We’re my parents’ last hope, and they’re desperate to be grandparents. Maybe he is right. Or, perhaps, they’re realizing that, in the eyes on God, ten years of love and commitment is as good as a ring.

We still need to sort our out health issues, which are a mess, and find out if we even can have children. My boyfriend wants to get through the first set of board exams first to ensure he’s on the path to a decent career. We’ll need to remediate and offload our current lemon of a home and secure a safe, mold-free living space. It will be a 2.5-year journey, at least. But once those criteria are met–wow–we have my parent’s blessing to start a family without first being married, and we will have their support if and when that time comes.

The whole ordeal felt like a fool’s errand, but here we are on the other side having succeeded and I can’t stop smiling.