My boyfriend recently met up with an old friend and they got to talking about dating. Both have been partnered for the last decade and thus have evaded much of the recent poppycock. And what might that be, you ask?
According to their friend and the vast interwebs, every woman is seeking a man who is over 6’5″, makes over $500,000 per year, has a six-pack, owns a home, is not married, and doesn’t care that they’ve traded their body for breakfast a dozen times. They are basically looking for a unicorn.
I have never met anyone who fits that bill. Have you?
There even exists a “female delusion calculator” that will inform you how many people meet your requirements. For the above, it’s below one-hundredth of a percent.
When I hear stories of rejections, my jaw drops. Good guys with stable jobs and homes in the nice area of town are tossed aside. They’re tall and attractive and always working on self-improvement, but apparently not good enough.
But then I’m shown the profile of the women doing the rejecting and my jaw drops even further.
I don’t judge. I prioritize my health and personal development, but understand that most do not. However, I do find myself questioning how someone who clearly isn’t pursuing optimal health, career success, and personal responsibility can demand those traits from another. My mind has been doing somersaults trying to understand.
When I was dating it way my aim to “be the person I want to be with,” which meant I had to remain healthy, driven, and ever-learning. Frankly, I thought that was normal…
My boyfriend is extremely observant and has a theory that seems to hold water. The women on these dating apps have low self-esteem, so it’s easier to tell themselves that no one meets their standards than to be rejected. If 1-in-100,000 meet their requirements, the chance of them encountering, let alone being rejectedd by Mr. Dreamy, is slim.
And, understandably, men are sick of it. They are checking out and giving up on love. They’re holding out for ChatLUV. And I can’t blame them. The whole dating thing has devolved beyond recognition over the last ten years, and all I can say is that I am truly grateful to be off the market. What a mess!
existential ergonomics 
Very well expressed.
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Your guy…in my opinion…is a smart one. This? “My boyfriend is extremely observant and has a theory that seems to hold water. The women on these dating apps have low self-esteem, so it’s easier to tell themselves that no one meets their standards than to be rejected.” Oh…that sounds so very spot-on to me. I’m just an observer…but watching my sweet students navigate dating life was/is an eye-opener for all the reasons you shared, Erin. I have far too many thoughts about the ‘why’ but your boyfriend’s ideas…I’m with him, generally. Super selectiveness = protective shield — for men and women. 😉
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Yes, we’re both so fortunate to have found each other… and we both feel like we’re getting the better end of the deal, so it works out. 😂😂 Yes, I agree that the super selectiveness is used as a shield. When I was dating, I was “picky” and expected a guy to be kind, funny, and smart with a bit of chemistry (oh my, what a big ask that was!) That was hard to come by, but not impossible, and I’m so grateful that I held out for the right fit. I think it gets trickier with external attributes because they have no bearing on how well you’ll get along… even if they met their “dream guy,” I don’t think these women would be happy, and I think it’s largely because they aren’t happy with themselves.
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Agree! Everything starts on the inside first! 😘
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Nice post! Low self-esteem, indeed, as there are so many women out there who will try to make themselves into someone they’re not in order to please a man. There is only one Rip Wheeler and he’s taken (sigh).
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Yes, that’s so true! I’ve known people whose personalities and interests changed every time they took in a new person. In middle school, I can kind of understand, but it’s a bit sad to see in adults. Eventually, our true selves will emerge, so why not make it easy for everyone and be honest from the start?
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I 100% agree.
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Erin, I have no concept of dating in today’s world and honestly I’m so glad I don’t have to. It was hard enough trying to figure out who I believed I was supposed to be 40 years ago, and that person turned out to be someone very different today so apparently I was way off base back then! My only *real* thought on this is that I would suggest figuring out who you are first because if you have no idea who and what you are how can you put conditions and expectations out there for the perfect person to come into your life? And… is there really a perfect person? I don’t think there is so that muddles the whole thing even further.
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I am in complete agreement with you Deb! I spent my early-twenties doing a lot of soul searching and it wasn’t until I had some grasp on who I was and what I valued that was able to feel confident in what I was seeking in a partner and what I could offer. I would recommend it to any young person, but I see so many who aren’t comfortable being alone with themselves. And I don’t think there is such thing as a perfect person, but I do believe there are good matches… when both parties have identified their own priorities and values, and then discovered someone with significant overlap. Successful relationships are as easy the the Rom-Coms would make them out to be!
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What an interesting post and observation. I’d say that humans sometimes we mistake choosiness for sophistication. The most open people are the ones that radiate joy – because they find pleasure in what comes their way. But being open and staying open is hard to accomplish so people often opt for those shields of selectiveness.
Once again, I love how wonderful and well-suited you and your love are!
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What a keen observation – yes, I think we do often mistake choosiness for sophistication. But you’re absolutely right that staying open, as hard as it may be, it usually the best path forward. The people are comfortable in their own skin, quirks and all, are the most attractive no matter how they look. But that’s hard for many – it’s so much easier to put up the shield and hide our imperfections and insecurities.
Thank you, Wynne! We both feel like we won the jackpot. I hope that once day soon you find a love that is perfectly-suited for you! You absolutely deserve it! 💕
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Thank you, Erin. When the time is right… 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤
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I’m not happy with what I see in the dating world. There’s so many unrealistic expectations that normal everyday people are rejected. I don’t fit it any expected box, so I stay off the dating apps. “Single, older female, seeking romance, companionship and friendship, in a man who would enjoy going on walks, going to cultural events, and talking. Searching for someone is a light drinker, would be supportive of all my creative endeavors without putting them down, is spiritual without being religious, and would like to travel and have adventures!”
I think my ad would sound out of place! Lol!
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Yes, I’ve heard that the expectations are absurd and the rejections are over the most superficial things. It’s quite sad, really. Your ad sound beautiful, though I think most using the apps lack that level of inner-beauty.
If it gives you any hope, my aunt found a companion like the one you’re seeking about five years ago. She was widowed 35 years ago and never dated again. But now, in her 70s, she has a good friend–someone to travel with, talk to, and attend cultural events with–and she is so happy. I hope that you’re able to find someone similar when the time is right. You absolutely deserve it, Tamara! 💕
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Thanks so much! That gives me hope! I’m just going to keep living my life the best I know how to, and trust the universe to bring me someone who would be right for me. I agree, I think I’d be a fish out of water on those apps!
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At one point, I think YouTube thought I was a young man, because it was giving me MGTOW content. I’m a learner, so I watched some videos. It’s sad how some women treat men! But that’s on them, because when they’re older they might realize they let a lot of good men go just because they were under 6 foot tall, and they might find dating a lot harder as older women.
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Idealism and utopian thinking can be good/beneficial/uplifting though at the same time it could turn into a dystopian hollow husk caricature. I think it is a positive thing for both men and women to seek something that may not even truly exist for inspiration/admiration or general growth potential can then have a greater chance of being realized as ones aspirations reach up into the cosmic heavens.
Though at the same time things can get over the top/over done which could be at odds with reality creating an internal or external conflict. Often it seems the best guys and gals who understand/appreciate the value of romance are overlooked though at the same time both a long drawn out romance and a one night fling can happen at the same time in parallel to each other as polarity and inequality is life itself without which would be the ceasing of movement [as physical movement itself is propelled through different functions of the body which at times are at odds with each other].
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Excellent piece, Esoterica. We need more women (and men!) with your mentality.
Modern dating really is a cesspool, and I’ve written about it from time to time on my blog. Apps used to be a convenient and fun way to meet people, but they’ve devolved to their logical conclusion: a meat market numbers game with ruthless odds.
After my last break up, I decided to meet people organically, reaching out to old friends and the like. It’s been a much better experience, and the connections—romantic or otherwise—have been far more sincere and meaningful than swiping through a bunch of floozies.
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Yes, we offered to help a friend set up online dating “right,” but it really has become a meat market, pay-to-play, cesspool.
I think meeting people organically is the way to go–go do something you enjoy and meet someone with shared interests. I’m sure it’s not only more effective, but also more enjoyable.
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