To Begin Anew

Throughout this year, I’ve felt as if I’m trapped in a black hole, neither here nor there. It’s dark and lonely, and I feel disoriented. I can’t turn back, and I can’t seem to feel my way forward.

Yet, I keep thinking back to my college days, when an English professor explained that, biologically speaking, anxiety and excitement are the same. The only difference is our own interpretation of the sensation coursing through our body at any given moment.

Life feels unbearably heavy. Up until recently, I’ve viewed the weight as a burden. I’ve been carrying around sandbags where there is no flooding, stubbornly refusing to set them down.

But I’m remembering now that the heaviness needn’t be an encumbrance. Carrying my two-year-old niece around the train park feels purposeful, as does lifting weights. Perspective matters.

I’m realizing that this dark place is the perfect spot to sit down, meditate, and draft out my dreams for the future. While encased in darkness, the distant lighthouse shines brights and beckons us forward.

Eight years ago, chronic illness threw a wrench into my thoughtful plans for the future. This year, while so much has gone wrong, my health has been restored. And physical wellness is the fertile ground from which other good things may sprout.

Though I feel discouraged about many things today, I truly feel grateful to have my mind and my body back. Both are tools I can use to redefine myself and rewrite my destiny.

Even if all things go wrong, I have the ability to begin anew.

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