This is the true story of Eric, a rather ordinary 40-year-old college professor who believes that mozzarella sticks constitute a balanced meal, women are more mysterious than the elusive giant squid and chain smoking over games of nightmare chess is the best way to spend an evening.
Last night, Eric deviated from his normal routine. Rather than smoking cloves on the patio of his favorite coffee shop, he instead stopped by a local bar where he met…her. You see, in the half-decade I’ve known Eric, he’s always had just as much self-confidence as he has cash saved up for retirement. That is to say: none.
This equally-average woman took a liking to Eric and began buying him drink after drink after drink. Andi was loud, drunk and obnoxious. And really into the random guy she’d just met at the bar. This was the most attention Eric had ever received from a woman, so he hastily ignored her enthusiastic declaration, “I’m probably an alcoholic!”
Eric shrugged as his fiery, middle-aged flame offhandedly mentioned her husband and young children. He let it slide when she said that her medical license had been suspended for one reason or another. And she was in a open relationship, supposedly. Eric ran the field all night, grabbing and tossing each red flag as he encountered it. Andi was interested and he wasn’t going to stand in the way of any nice lady hoping to get into his pants.
So, Eric did what any guy with low self-esteem and a high sex drive would do in the situation. He didn’t say a thing when Andi forcefully told him that she would be going home with him that night.
He takes the girl home and they get undressed. Eric lies down and his strange bedfellow enthusiastically leaps onto the bed, but misses the bed entirely, landing face down on the floor below. Without missing a beat, she eagerly made her way into Eric’s bed and then got busy.
Flipping back through his mental notes of things most women maybe-probably like in bed, a small light bulb flashed above his head. He began sucking on her nipple in an attempt to get her all hot and bothered, when all of the sudden he had milk dribbling down his chin.”What the fuck?!” he exclaimed as he quickly made his departure from Lactation Station.
Not one to let a small setback deter him, Eric continued on, taking care to leave the bouncing milk vessels out of the equation. Things seem to be going well and Andi was audibly pleased with Eric’s performance. They made out with the directionless passion of horny per-pubescents between the time school lets out and when their parents get home from work. As she begins to orgasm, suddenly her jaws clench and two flaps of Eric’s cheek are left dangling in the dark, dank room.
“Hey! Why’dya do that?!” Eric exclaimed, as blood trickled down the side of his face. Apparently, her preferred method of expressing sexual excitement involves gnawing off chunks of her partner’s face. Eric dutifully noted that the 69 position would be off limits with this one.
Well, despite needing to add rabies shot and oversized bandage to his to-do list for the next morning, Eric had a decent time. It was a one-night-stand for the books! He beamed as pulled on his trousers and offered his cannibalistic lover a ride home.
He helped Andi into his car and turned on the ignition, reminding his passenger to buckle up. Eric pulled out of the driveway–the beginning of the end of this interesting little fling. Soon enough she shouts out, “This is me!”
Eric looked at the house she was pointing to, then in his rear view and then back out the window. “Are you sure?” he asked Andi with mild dismay. She nodded as she hopped out of the car and walked up the driveway of the house, a house just two houses down from his own. His intended one-time romp with the liquor-lactating face-biter just got a whole lot more complicated.
The next morning, just six hours after Eric had driven Andi approximately 200 feet to her home–the home she shares with her supposedly-open-to-affairs husband and breastfed children–she began texting him to ask when they could meet again. Oh, shit. It’s a bit challenging to hide form a stalker when they live just a few steps away from you.
Though Eric informed Andi that he would be at work all day, she took a short walk to ask Eric’s roommate when her star-crossed lover might return. She texted Eric again and again throughout the day, “When will I see you?” She even invited him to play daddy for the day and accompany her to the park with her kids.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: this is starting to creep deeper and deeper into stalker territory. I totally agree! Problem is, Eric is eating it up! Having never had any luck with the ladies, he doesn’t know (or doesn’t care) that this one is a certified nut job. Less than a day after sipping fireball-flavored breast milk and acquiring teeth marks on his face, Eric is already making plans to rendezvous with this disastrously drunk little princess. God help us all.
This can end in one of three ways. One: Eric and Andi fall in love and live happily ever after, leaving behind all that husband and kids baggage. Two: Eric say no to sexy time and Andi burns tosses lighter fluid and a match onto his porch. Or three: Andi’s husband is not on-board with the neighbor porking his wife and thus burns said neighbor’s house to the ground.
However this situation plays out, I’m pretty certain that this is either going to end in marriage or arson.