The Birthday Bidet

With my boyfriend’s birthday fast-approaching, I’ve been begging him to just tell me what he wants.With each holiday, he insists that he doesn’t need anything. I proceed to buy him something really fun or highly practical, and he always thanks me for my thoughtfulness as he insists that we don’t need to be spending money on that. It drives me bonkers!

I’ve bought a thumb piano, acupressure mat, his favorite sketching supplies, Osprey hiking pack, Darn Tough socks, Smartwool base layers, liquid ass prank spray, Cabiniste down booties, guaranteed-for-life Filson boots, and uber-warm North Face Jacket.

Dear, you don’t need to be spending you money on me…


The four winners across 64 months of gifting opportunities have been (drum roll, please):

  1. Love notes: a 50-pack of postcards with a memory, poem or sentimental thought written on each, gifted two months into dating.
  2. My girlfriend is fucking crazy survival kit: a basket containing tear-suppressant (chocolate), energy drinks, alcohol, snacks, and other silly miscellany. It was quite epic.
  3. Twelve months of dates: a binder containing a dozen date ideas and tickets to comedy shows, theater performances, a Steam gift card, a cabin reservation, and more.
  4. Oh, and from my parents (per my suggestion), a mummy sleeping bag for tall people…which lives in our bed because supposedly I’m a vicious blanket thief.

Clearly he is not materialistic, not easily excited by stuff. And, I’m quite certain that the event tickets were refundable, he’d have marched up to the ticket counter and hand them back.

Thank you, dear. That was so thoughtful of you! Here, keep you money.

So, anyways, since his $350 Christmas gift was a flop…along with every other gift in 2018, I have been insisting he tell me something–anything–that I could gift him that he would actually keep. With all the gifts I’ve returned, he probably has over a grand in his love money account.

Enter the birthday bidet. Apparently my hubby is interested in acquiring a bathroom device that will spray pressured water up his arse, leaving the area squeaky clean while reducing toilet paper use. Sigh. You have got to be kidding me.

So I bought him that shitty (or perhaps not-so-shitty) gift, which will be forever be dubbed his birthday bidet. Here’s hoping this gift is a keeper!

P.S. What do you buy someone who doesn’t need or want anything? I’m at a complete loss.

13 thoughts on “The Birthday Bidet

  1. I really enjoyed this post because I am THAT person who always says don’t spend money on me or we don’t need it haha! Honestly I love when I am given something that someone has made or put some thought into – a photo album or a playlist or a letter. I even like when my wishes are respected and I get nothing because means I was given the gift of being listened to!

    I think if you can get something a little abstract it can be good. My best friend takes (and is routinely frustrated) by public buses because they are often late so for Christmas I got him a mini toy bus and painted the number of the usual one he takes on the side of it. He said it was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given him and it cost around 5 euro if I remember rightly. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as someone who isn’t big on gifts! I really like the idea of gifting something homemade or thoughtful. I have a few more days, just enough to put together something special and meaningful. Thanks for the inspiration! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that the worst?! I try to be extra thoughtful and practical, typically to no avail. And he always goes over the top on gifts for me. I guess that’s love, huh? LOL

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha!! So true–a few years ago, a friend gave him gift cards to the grocery store and Amazon and he was legitimately excited by the practicality of it. Groceries aren’t very special or romantic, but…it might work.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’d love to get a basket with groceries! Perhaps some ingredients with a theme or from a certain region (Italian? Middle Eastern? Different things related to fruits?), or something I would perhaps not buy myself, the favorite ingredients from the person giving the gift? I’d love that, but I love improvising in the kitchen, this might not be for everyone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is such a fantastic idea! Though I do most of the cooking in our home, this is a great idea for other family members or friends who enjoy time in the kitchen and experimenting with new ingredients.

        Liked by 1 person

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