Introspection, Infestation, and Intimacy

This past weekend, I was reminded of the duplexity of life, as well as my power to choose how I respond. Rather than labeling the incidences as “good” or “bad,” I’m trying to practice non-judgement–the events are inherently meaningless until I attribute meaning to them.

  • On Thursday, I met my aunt for dinner and it felt so uplifting to spend time with someone other than my family and boyfriend. Our 90-minute conversation was one of the highlights of my week and an overt reminder that if I need a little TLC, all I have I do to is ask.
  • On Friday, the only coworker I talk to accepted a new job. We’ve been through thick and thin together over the last four years, so I’m sad to see her go. It gives me the motivation to ramp up my own job search, but is also provoking my insecurities about my deathly appearance and patchy zombie-like hair.
  • Friday evening, I devoured a good portion of Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking, spent some time journaling, and savored my alone time. I crawled into bed early in lieu of napping in the mosh pit, and was completely unfazed when my boyfriend talked about his backstage experience.
  • Saturday morning, I picked up my CSA basket from the farmer’s market and then slipped back into bed until dinner-time. Nearly every weekend, I experience this internal tug-of-war between completing some household chores and getting some extra sleep. Lately, I’ve been allowing myself to sleep.
  • On Sunday, I woke up and ventured to the kitchen for a glass of water, only to discover hundreds of ants marching in close succession up a cabinet and across the counter tops, then repelling down to the tile and ascending the tightly-lidded trash can in search of sugar. Our pest control company was unavailable and our attempts at home remedies, extreme cleaning, and external caulking have not slowed the flow of new visitors.
  • Sunday afternoon, I met up with a friend who I hadn’t seen in six months. It was the first time I’d met up with any friend in that time, so my heart swelled with emotion. As has been common lately, I had trouble articulating my thoughts, but she didn’t mind. She said that I didn’t look well and suggested I begin a conversation with my body to discover the root cause of my illness.
  • My boyfriend bought an incredible art piece and we had the framed monstrosity delivered yesterday. With our eight-foot ceilings, we have only two spots where the five-foot tall painting will fit, but we’re intent on finding its perfect spot within our home.

This weekend was neither “good” nor “bad,” but instead a chance to observe events. There was no self-blame, no self-pity, and no wishing that things were different. Instead, it was an exercise in sitting patiently with the way things are, and being trying to view even the more challenging occurrences as opportunities to practice patience, grace, and radical acceptance.

6 thoughts on “Introspection, Infestation, and Intimacy

  1. I am so sorry that you co-worker leaves.
    I never seem to fit in a work environment, but there is usually one that I get on well.
    I have seen them leave and it was heartbreaking.

    I would really advice to try to find another job, because staying at a place where nobody is your friend will ruin your mood. It did to me. It was no worth it at all.


    1. Yes, I’ve always tended to keep to myself, but the two of us have been there the longest and been through a LOT together. Rumor has it that the owner is questioning *my* loyalty since she and I were close, so–I agree–it’s definitely time for me to move on to greener pastures.


      1. Ugh, rumors.
        Him questioning your loyalty only means that he isn’t committed to you comfort his employee!
        And that means that he is a terrible manager.
        And nobody deserves a manager like that!


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