When Everything And Nothing Changes

I’ve been feeling discombobulated lately. Restless, frustrated, a little bit lonely, and unable to focus. The feeling is subtle, yet intrusive and pervasive to the point of debilitation.

I begin each morning with the same routine. I take my blood pressure while reading the day’s entry from The Daily Stoic, journal whilst sipping on perfectly milky tea, draw a card from The Wild Unknown tarot desk to set the day’s theme, journal a bit more, and then sit in silent meditation for bit.

I don’t fully understand or believe in tarot-psychic-astrology stuff, but pick up the tarot deck because I loved the artwork. Interestingly (and perhaps coincidentally), the last several months have carried themes of sickness, loss, and desperation.

Then, earlier this week, the dark veil was lifted and I drew a card representing transformation, spiritual breakthrough, self-assurance, and creative vision. Perplexed but hopeful, I continued about my day, entirely forgetting about the interesting start to the day.

Several days later, in reviewing my journal entries, I realized that the day did, in fact, hold an instance of transformation. After months of waffling between fear and hope, my fears were extinguished almost immediately after an unplanned meeting with the leading valley fever researcher.

He saw me. He listened to me. He understood what I was going through. And he sincerely cared.

Nothing changed and, yet, everything changed. 

I still don’t have a conclusive diagnosis (and according to my father-in-law, the new possibilities are significantly worse than the initial suspicions). Nor do I have a designated treatment plan or recovery timeline. I’m still in limbo, and yet I feel so wonderfully liberated.

Something shifted in me at the appointment on Wednesday. I felt empowered, and the feeling has been growing stronger ever since. I feel capable–more myself than I have in three years. I feel like I made it to the other side, only to discover an identical landscape and the understanding that I’ve been exactly where I’m meant to be all along.

Nothing changed and, yet, everything changed. 

Sometimes we make choices (or choice are made for us) that affect our lives in large and profound ways. We may expect life to radically change, and sometimes it stays the same. My body is suffering a dis-ease and my capabilities have been drastically limited, and yet this beautiful body is still the place my soul calls home. Though we may expect life changes to alter who we are, we often remain the same while fortifying ourselves by fostering resilience.

So, perhaps this was the moment of my predicted spiritual breakthrough, the moment at which my soul tapped me on the should and said, “You’re doing a great job. Everything is going to be okay.” The pervasive fear was banished instantly, and several days later, that positive message is still ringing in my ears. I feel confident, empowered, resilient, and free. I fully believe that I can tackle anything and everything.

Somehow, without realizing or intending, everything changed for me that day. And, yet, nothing really changed at all.